I recently came across a wonderful—though rather cheeky—proposition on LinkedIn by Christian Thalacker-Heldenstein (EU Climate Pact Ambassador) to the world—with particular relevance to the United States of America:

An Important Announcement from the Bicycling Kingdom of Denmark🇩🇰 Dear Friends, Colleagues, and Youth of Our Planet: In light of recent global events, and in the spirit of offering constructive solutions, the Bicycling Kingdom of Denmark proposes bold, compassionate, and frankly, hyggelig* action.

We are formally announcing our intention to annex the territory formerly known as the United States of America. Why? Because every human deserves clean water, trustworthy government, and happiness.

Our proposal is simple. Upon peaceful integration, all American residents will be offered:

>Seamless Path to Danish (and EU) Citizenship: No complicated paperwork. Just a pleasant 50km scenic bike ride and a short oral exam on proper bicycling hand signals.
>$150/Month Universal Healthcare: Includes preventive care, mental well-being, and a complimentary handmade candle & wool blanket at every visit (HyggeCare™).
>Scandinavian-Style Education: Forest Kindergartens, where iphone-screens are replaced with pinecones, and critical thinking is honed by building shelters from the rain.
>Western Europe-Style Hate-free Speech & Governance: Council meetings are live-streamed with free wienerbrød. Hate-speech + Corruption-convictions leads to 100 hours of community kayak sessions.

Here’s the transformation in your daily livskvalitet (quality of life):

>Bicycle Infrastructure Everywhere: Heated bike lanes in winter, solar-powered path lights, and bridges that whisper encouraging proverbs as you cross.
>Harbor Saunas & Year-Round Swimming: Every coastline and lake will be cleaned for swimming.
>Michelin-Starred Street Food: We will match our global per-capita record. Say hello to gourmet smørrebrød food trucks.
>Sensible Gun Education & Laws: As per Danish standards. All safety courses include “Conflict Resolution with Pastries.”
>The “Ming” Mandate: A national policy fostering togetherness. Loneliness will be tackled with community chess.

We will phase in key changes:

Year 1: Car-free city centers, free city bike rollout, and mandatory fika (coffee break) at 3PM.
Year 2: All waterways swimmable; polluters sentenced to 1000 hours of community kayaking.
Year 3: Wind turbines installed nationwide, each painted by local artists.

This is not a conquest. It is an intervention. An offer of hygge, clean air, and civil society.

Your guns will be respectfully exchanged for a finely-tuned custom-made bicycle. Your stress will be swapped out. Your application for a better life is waiting at your nearest full-service bakery.

We welcome you.

Med venlig hilsen,

Christian Thalacker-Heldenstein
(For the Folketing Committee for Geopolitical Hygge)

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What interested me, besides the ingenious nature of the piece itself, was the varied response to its obvious satirical message. Most embraced the satire with creative pithy comments: “I for one welcome our new Danish overlords.” “I’m in! I may or may not already be part of an underground cell working on this…” “Great! … Make America original again!”

Said one Canadian: “If the US is taken over by Denmark, Canada will have a much more like-minded and friendly neighbour…and I won’t be afraid to cross the border to visit!” To which Thalacker-Heldenstein responded, “We need bigger red-&-white carpets.” Others fixed on the “conflict resolution with pastries” courses. Yet others offered their countries to be annexed—from the UK, France, Germany and Italy to New Zealand.

Others just didn’t get it. One American’s offended response seemed to validate the satire: “Silly Europeans, always trying to come up with solutions for what ails the United States…”

First generation Latino American, Richard M. Alva also didn’t buy that these offerings of “hygge, clean air, and civil society” would make Americans happy. In a sad thesis on the American psyche, he offered:

“‘If Americans had what Denmark has: free healthcare, free college, a year of maternity leave, five weeks of vacation, pensions, hygge, we’d suddenly be happy.’ I don’t buy it.

Those benefits only work if a culture knows how to receive them. Most Americans don’t. We’re too individualistic, too competitive, too quick to turn every gift into an advantage.

Free education requires humility, not entitlement. Paid maternity leave only matters if family actually outranks productivity. Paid vacation only works if people are willing to stop working without guilt. Universal healthcare assumes we see health as a shared good, not a competitive edge.

As a first-generation Latino ‘American,’ this feels obvious. Many of our cultures value family and rest even when money is tight. In the U.S., money quietly outranks everything.

Americans aren’t unhappy because they lack perks. They’re unhappy because they defend a rat race they secretly hate. Freedom without restraint doesn’t make you happy. It just makes you tired.”

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Oh well … So much for hygge … I’d welcome a Danish-annexed United States of America as my southern neighbour; After all, I am a huge fan of cycling and trading a gun for a bike seems like a steal of a deal. I’m also not so much an apple pie fan—but give me a Honningkage and I’m yours!

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Hygge (pronounced hyoo-guh): a quality of coziness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being (regarded as a defining characteristic of Danish culture).

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